Note To Self x)

Maybe we're not put on Earth to be happy. Maybe we are happy, but don't realize it till it's too late. Note to self: Remember to feel occasionally happy.

Note To Self w)

My 17# Powerbook G4 is passing away. I love that computer dearly. He's called Uncle Travelling Mac. I've had him for seven years. Back then when laptops were expensive and this was the absolute best you could find, I paid almost $6000, yes, six thousand dollars for him. The last generation of titanium. I have appreciated his company, skills, endurance and extreme loyalty. I have run a company and gone through seven years of university and a thesis with him. I've written three books and a lot of more manuscripts on him, written articles, columns, translations, almost every word of this blog, poems, short stories, comments, diary pages, notes, letters, speaches, ideas, essays, and thoughts, all on him, all with the familiar sensation of his weight in my lap, his keys under my fingertips, my eyes on his screen. Suddenly there was a wrong dial tone and hard drive sighs. Black screen. Next day, nothing, no upstart. Then days, waiting, gently stroking, trying key combinations and patient upstart tricks, a little life, was it a nap, suddenly almost full life, then heavy sleep again. Days, awaiting. I went and looked at new Macs, I don't really appreciate the thought of a new. It will be smaller, faster, I'll become happy, but it doesn't really feel good right now. I've been prepared for this for a long time. Have back-up. Emotionally, I was prepared. Spent so many hours with Mac in my lap and my feet up, I can't tell you. I've spent far more time with Uncle Mac than I have with any human being in the past seven years. Been to more countries. Spent more nights. Escaped boredom more. Always, through it all, Mac and I, together. Then, it happened. No more life, no one could save him. I'm writing this on a new MacBook. Uncle travelling Mac is lying in my window sill in ten parts. It was necessary to take him all apart to save the hard drive. I carried him home in a plastic bag, keyboard, frame, battery, screws, chips, components, it was all there, but no longer the same. He's on lit de parade, I'm not ready to let go of his earthly parts just yet. Note to self: You're never really prepared for a beloved's breakdown, even though you think you are.

Note To Self v)

Being afraid of death is one thing. I was there for some years, and it was bad. Caused anxiety, paralized the system at the same time as it kicked it out into another galaxy of feeling, felt as if a shocking green fluid had been injected into my system and I was witnessing and living the screaming consequences. Fear of death. Bad. Now I've seen the one other thing, which I imagine is even worse. Fear of living. A life lived in fear of is not a lived life. Note to self: Never be afraid.

Note To Self u)

If you ever leave me, please take as much love with you, as you can. If you ever leave me, please remember, that I did not only love you, I tried to make you love yourself more. If you ever leave me, please know that you take part of me with you. If you ever leave me, please leave a little of yourself behind. Maybe not your heart, maybe not an eye, maybe not a hand. Maybe a memory, a heartbeat, a word. If you ever leave me, remember how we dreamed. How we thought of peace and gardens and happy days to come. Please don't think it wasn't true. It all was, when it was our dreams. Note to self: Love no less.

Note To Self t)

A woman told me a story. A girl was in an internship in a vegetable shop, and she posed the question: How do you know the difference between a big tomato and a small tomato?

You have to love the girl for a question like that. The story behind is, that the girl is a refugee child and has had fairly bad odds for getting anywhere in life. The woman told me about these young people and how they try to help them, for instance by finding internships for them. And these refugee kids are more often in the dark than kids with Danish parents, because the most obvious isn't so obvious to them. Like the small and the big tomatoes. It's both a universal question and one to which each culture and language will have different connotations to each answer. How do you know for sure if you have a big tomato or a small tomato in your hand, and divide the box correctly into smalls and bigs, so that the boss is happy with you? It's a fine line.

Another fine line. There is a moment in between hesitation and refusal. It determines whether it is the one or the other. I suppose you can say it's the length of the moment, which determines the difference. It can be a moment within a second, and it can be a moment of years. From case to case it will be different, but with a good intuition, you'll know when hesitation turned into refusal. When the moment is denied and there are only other ways. Note to self: Only you know your fine line between a big tomato and a small tomato.

Note To Self s)

I once met someone who made me feel small. Note to self: Those, who patronize to be big are usually the smallest of all.

Note To Self r)

Doing good is not a state to enter which will then last forever after. Acting as if things are good can be an important part of making things good. What would I do if I were happy? Smile? Go for a run? Cook? Invite friends over? Give presents? Sing? Work enthusiastically? Paint my bedroom? Buy jewelry? Bathe in champagne? Sometimes the action brings the state of mind. Note to self: Fake it till you make it.

Note To Self q)

Peace feels great or like a threatening illusion. The idea of total harmony is quite a challenge and some of us are good at disturbing things when tranquility and bliss is settling in. After making a storm of a detail, the question is often: Why was that so important when everything else was working so well? Note to self: The most interesting place in the mouth just is the sore tooth.

Note To Self p)

No one says it's easy. On a daily basis we include or exclude. We either see and understand each other or deny to see anything but our immediate appearances. We offer ourselves or deny access. We are responsible. We choose. We offer. We give. We create our relations. We create each other. No one says it's easy. But it's our choice. Note to self: Choose each other.

Note To Self o)

The punishment of anger is in its deep nature involuntary. It's impossible to choose to be angry, just as it is impossible to choose to love or to not care. But ironically enough, the anger mostly punishes the angry person. There's always something to be angry about. In every life, in every relation, every day. The world is full of idiots bugging us, even our loved ones are easy to find flaws in and get angry about. To travel through the world on an angry note is a heavy loaded journey. The angry person is the truly punished one, it's the one who has the hardest time fleeing the anger. There is a voluntary moment in between holding on to anger and letting go of anger. It's about saving yourself. Note to self: Choose love.

Note To Self n)

I remember learning as a child about the muscles of the human body. The smooth muscles, skeletal muscles, cardiac muscles. Soon I had an anatomic atlas and could study the maps of our interior, something I still do with great curiosity, same atlas, same fascination. What I still recall as the first great anatomic wonder to discover was the nature of the smooth muscles. You can't choose not to breathe with your lungs. You can't choose to stop your heart. It still tricks me. It's as if once life has chosen you, you just follow, effortless. Or do you? Every day in this world is new. Note to self: Choose life.