Red Hair and Regrets

As regular readers of this blog will know, I just love to quote myself. Today I'll post a longer quote from one of my old short stories first. It's from the story On The Wall. A group of friends are drinking 99 bottles of beer while sharing their secrets. At this point in the story, it's Jacob's turn to reveal the secret of his life:

After the eleventh round we cheered and said “Fifffftyfive down.” It was Jacob’s turn. He took a long swallow of his Guinness. He had been free to choose his next beer because he was up for secret. He put the bottle down hard, burped, and said,
“I’ve never been in love with Mariann.”
“Shit,” Nik said.
“Shit,” I said.
“No shit,” Jacob said.
“But why--, why did you marry her then?” Harry asked.
“Well, I love her,” Jacob said, “She’s totally great. She, like, couldn’t be better. There’s no doubt I love her.”
“Dude, what the fuck are you saying then?”
“Just that,--. I was totally in love with this girl Beth, in high school. And then a year ago I fell in love again. With this girl at work. And I’m not gonna tell you who it is, and it doesn’t matter any way, she’s not there anymore. And I never did anything.”
“Nothing happened?” Harry asked.
“Nothing happened. But it made me remember that way of being completely in fucking love. Like from high school. I just kind of thought it was because I was so young then. That it wasn’t the way it had to be with Mariann for it to be right. And last year, I realized, I’ve really never felt like that with Mariann. She never made me crazy in love. Like it was a fucking rush when this girl at work, when she came into my office, I was like, I don’t know, man. Crazy. High. And I was thinking about her all the fucking time. Like obsessed happy just thinking about her, how she looked, something she’d said.”
“Why didn’t you do anything?” I asked. Jacob looked at me and said,
“Think about Jason. How old is he?”
“Shit. Mariann was pregnant.”
“Exactly. You don’t leave your beautiful wife that you love, when she’s pregnant with your first son. Just because some red haired girl drives you crazy and makes you all fuzzy stupid and dream about eternity. At least that’s what I kept telling myself. And red hair went. Got a better job in San José.” Jacob drank his Guinness.
“Smart boy,” Nik said. We all nodded and drank.
“I guess,” Jacob said.

End of quote.

The key phrase in this quote is of course Jacob's final- I guess. Jacob's doubt in the end, a year after being in love with the girl at work, he still isn't convinced, that he shouldn't have left his pregnant wife to be with red-head.

There are things, we regret, and things we don't regret. There are things we know, we'll regret, and things we don't know, if we'll regret. There are things we regret having done, and there are things, we regret not having done. I believe the last ones are the truly dangerous ones.

I'm personally one, who doesn't regret a thing. I just can't. I've been through a lot of weird shit, and a lot of the pain and hard times I have behind me have been self-inflicted. I could've chosen differently. Could've spared myself a lot. But regretting? I don't. Honestly and deep down where I ask and can't fake the answers, there's not a single thing I'd want to be different. Not a single move I wouldn't have made. Not a single choice, I would've made differently.

I believe it's because my parameter isn't about what I might regret doing. It's somehow reversed, so I always aim to sense what I later on might regret not having done. I choose to abandon fear of what might go wrong and instead imagine what can go right. I have an option. I always have a strong sense of wonders and catastrophees lying ahead, and that my choices always carry the chance as well as the risk of what will come.

I can look back and say, I did it, and some of it went to Hell. And I went with in certain cases. Well, but I would've regretted not trying. So, I can't regret even the worst things that I've been through, because I know I did it not to regret not doing it, trying it, living it, later on. That way of holding the compass is how I justify my entire existence, and God and I know that it's not because it's been perfect and shiny, that there's nothing to regret.

Whatever makes your heart beat. Whatever makes your winds blow. Whatever makes you dream about eternity.

Who makes you feel fuzzy and warm and happy inside? Who sees you and makes you feel seen? Who makes life feel like life to you? With whom will you never later say, I guess? With whom will you only whisper, I knew?

Feel safe and strong. Feel wild and daring. Trust you inner voice. Imagine the best, always. Don't choose out of fear. Choose with your heart and whatever gender variation of balls you possess, and you will always know, that you chose right, no matter how things fell out.

Don't ask if you'll regret doing this. Ask if you'll regret not doing this. That's where the answer lies. That's what Jacob forgot to ask himself. He chose out of fear of regretting. Maybe he should've stayed like he did. But would he then doubt it a year later? Wouldn't he have known, that he did the right thing? His doubt is his burden, and he will never be able to rid himself of it. He asked himself, Will I regret leaving my wife? And he feared that he would and he stayed. If he'd asked himself, Will I regret not following my heart and red hair? He might have gotten another answer. If the answer had been no, he would've stayed. But he wouldn't have had the doubt a year later. The other fear, the sneaking after-fear. That's the one, that troubles him now. The fear of there being another life he could've led. A life he would have loved.